Did you ever think “this will be the turning point” in a relationship? Holding tightly to hope then realizing soon that hope requires action, and what you have is a wish. Thinking that maybe if I just address my feelings or needs in a different way, I will be received better, or validated in some way. Maybe, then, there will be change.
Pouring my coffee early one morning, an old magnet on the fridge caught my eye. I remember when and where I bought this magnet. I was at a small boutique, in Minneapolis. A block away from the first apartment I lived in with my then boyfriend, now husband. In our relationship at that time, communication seemed to be challenging. Ten years later, after so much time and such big blessings and life milestones, such as: marriage, buying a home, kids, we are still here in the midst of poor communication. In fact, it’s become so poor that it’s unhealthy, for both of us. No one person is to blame, but we both need to take accountability to give our marriage the light and water that it needs to grow and flourish.
The magnet does the job it was made to do. It is strong enough to hold up the beautiful artwork that our kids make. However, I bought it then for another purpose, in hopes that it would get my husband to think, “yes, let’s take a step into courage, faith, kindness, and love”, I bought it then as an invitation that I thought we both needed for space for an open dialogue.
The magnet says, “This year, let’s say the things we never said. Let’s forgive the things we never could. Let’s love like no lessons have been learned. Let’s dream like we have the chance and live like we have no other.” -Jodi Hills. Not exactly words that I live by, because the word of the Bible is now what fuels my soul, but the opening phrase, “Let’s say the things we never said” I wanted us both to take as an action.
This morning, this phrase has me wondering, have I left things unsaid? No, I know that I’ve treaded the water, I know there’s been times I’ve felt like I was sinking and then pushing myself to pour out, hoping, waiting for the life raft that my husband would throw, but I still wait. I’ve tiptoed on eggshells and felt the wrath from breaking them. I’ve approached more hard conversations trying to increase vulnerability and trust than I can count. The letters I’ve strategically written using “I” statements, the attempts to bring truth without emotion to a conversation so that I was heard. The things I’ve said are left unheard.
We are two people forging a path to make a life together, intentionally or unintentionally influencing one another. However, the way we step forward contradicts one another often and causes one to stumble. I am often reminded of Proverbs 27:17, “iron sharpens iron”. Who will sharpen who? How do we agree to disagree in some ways and compromise in others?
I must own my reactions, accept what I cannot change, and push myself forward, directing my steps and energy to where God calls me to go. No longer attempting to make someone see, understand, or bring justice to poor behavior. It’s my decision to grow though challenges and no longer just go through and give the rest to God. Stepping into accountability, repentance, and transformation. I know in my heart of hearts that only God can transform someone, and I can’t force his timing.
In closing I write, let anger be no more. Let bitterness and resentment fly away like a bird in the autumn sky. Heal our marriage and help us thrive for only in your will, walking with Christ are we alive. Transform me into the woman, wife, mother, daughter you call me to be. Transform my marriage into the covenant in which you created it for.
