I once had a manager tell me in a performance review, “You come as an afterthought.”
This comment struck me down as a professional, it made me feel stuck. On a personal level, it hurt. Was it my role, or was it me?
After the review, I paused, I stepped outside, reflected and prayed on what I was feeling. This life long feeling of being a round peg in a square hole came to a head again and brought me to a crossroads. The comment made an impact on my job satisfaction and made a profound impact on my next career move.
From the outside, it seemed so many colleagues and peers had it all together. They were climbing the corporate ladder, they were seen. My network was strong, I had a lot of face time with senior leaders, coordinating and executing projects and managing programs successfully. But still to my manager, I came as an afterthought.
I knew I had two options; stay where I was and try harder or make a move. I chose to move, but the move I would make was more than a job change, it was a life change.
I found myself so grateful that in this season, I felt secure of who I was in God. Motherhood was an awakening in my faith. Years prior, there was an undeniable urgency to open my Bible and spend time in prayer. Waking up early in the morning time to make sure I at least had 15 minutes with Him, on the weekends I soaked up even more in Bible studies and prayer, I learned of his sovereignty, his mercy, and grace, believing in the promises of who he says I am. In the midst of finding my courage in faith and believing that I am saved, the definition of success that once was no longer fit.
A tired definition was created somewhere in college that focused on financial success and a family, believing success was a what. Everywhere I looked in my corporate role, I saw “the what” definition of success, and I wanted less to do with it and more to do with “the who.” My who is rooted in discipleship and raising my children in a Christ centered focus. This world will give us hardship, but if you know Jesus, he conquered the world for you.
I knew if I was going to try harder, that meant I was chasing something that no longer served who I was becoming in Christ. Now my definition of success was a who rather than a what.
As a mother, ever since returning to work after maternity leave I had heartache daily with rushed mornings, hard daycare drop offs, busy evenings, endless house chores on the weekends. Monday mornings I would feel physically ill, a knot in my stomach, not because of the work ahead of me but because I was preparing to be separated from my children for 40+ hours. Another week where my children would learn and grow with great teachers at daycare, but they weren’t mom. I knew the season of childhood was way too precious and going faster than I could have imagined. It was as if I was homesick when I was away from them. The feeling of not being where I wanted to be and felt called to be fed into feelings of imposter syndrome tremendously. Then, at the end of the day, after 5am wake-up calls combined with a 45 minute commute to and from the office I had little of me left at the end of the day to give to my family. This “surviving not thriving” way of living ultimately made an impact on my physical and mental health.
In the weeks around the time I was told that I came as an afterthought to my then, manager, I no longer had the energy to keep doing what I was doing. At this time, there was a return to office initiative that couldn’t be ignored, the expectation would be increased to 4 days a week in the office eventually. To me by the time 8am rolled around, I felt as if I had already lived a whole day. I suddenly started feeling more body aches, brain fog, exhaustion, and the reality was my workday had just begun. Then, came a health battle that made it clear that what I was doing could no longer work. I was jeopardizing my health to try to fit into this square peg that I no longer felt called to fit into.
In the end, I chose to leave the role and company. Choosing a whole lifestyle change for myself with the support of my spouse. I now see how many pieces came together that led me to make the hard choice. The comment will likely never be forgotten but what I do with it is up to me. My faith has delivered me into a life of surrender and confidence in that is more than I could ever imagine. His promises will never fail me. When I am close to Him in relationship, His will is so much clearer. I am not forgotten when I choose Him.
I do not hold hard feelings at the manager that made this comment to me. I do however hope that if you experience a situation where you do not feel valued that you talk to God in prayer, and make sure you know who you are without other’s input. My advice to anyone is to define what success means to you. What does a successful life look like in the end? Will it be monetary or built on connection and relationships, and discipleship?
Write scripture in your heart, talk to God in prayer on a regular basis and you will find a life transformed. We are called to make disciples, and the biggest impact we have is in our home, with our family.
Today I have the flexibility to greet my kids off the school bus, time to meet my kids emotionally where they need me and the energy to be a better leader in my home. Brick by brick my health improves and the autoimmune disease I have I pray will go into remission. I have more time with my parents, and time and energy to pour into my marriage. I have the capacity to take action in improving my health and to pour energy into healthy cooking, regular physical activity, journaling. I still work and provide for my family but now we are more strategic and plan with a smaller budget, and thanks be to God, because He makes it all work, and He gives us all we need.
I hold gratitude for all the opportunities I’ve had and take with me the experiences and knowledge to forge the way forward to use it all for God’s kingdom. God provided a way for me to get through when I felt weak, He knew it was a turning point. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and self discipline.” This verse has helped me in times where I needed to find solid ground before another step forward. I thank God for my spouse who has always led our family and home with a conservative financial mindset, he works hard for our family. I also have wonderful parents, who have proven that a successful family requires a loving and able village.
God is good, and He loves me. To anyone who reads this, I hope you know by the promises He keeps that He loves you too.
